my someOne

When I first moved to Oregon two years ago, I feared leaving everyone and everything behind. To be removed from the only life one's ever had is like being stripped naked in front of hundreds of strangers. It's the worst feeling in the world, and yet at the same time it feels good to be raw. To be me, flaws, strengths, talent, inabilities and all. I was wrong when I said I feared leaving everyone. The truth is I feared not having anyone there for me anymore. Yes, sadly the more self centered human wants become more evident to oneself when alone. It's strange, I left and felt as though I was the one abandoned. Oh that feeling is the one of the most feared and detrimental things in all the world. For me it's just the thought of being alone. 


There was a little gray/white bird I saw when I first got to OR. One day I heard one of the older ladies talking with a family member about how this little dove once had a mate but it had recently died. I saw it all the time, sitting out on the TV lines and wires. Then I saw it less, and it became very special to see. Half a year later I didn't see it as much, but started hearing it. It's true dove do coo. The doves cooing was the saddest I'd ever heard. But when I'd hear it, I'd hold my breath and listen really closely, because I was feeling what it was feeling, lonely and missing my loved ones. 


That's the thing about being alone, it reaches deep down into the pits of you insides, scrambles you all up, and rips your heart out of your chest. Then you don't feel anymore, your body and empty heart chamber is so in shock you mentally can't handle it, so you block it out. It's nice because it feels like it doesn't exist anymore. Then one day you wake up from the cold numbness and the heat settles in, and you're screaming bloody murder, literally. The nice thing was that I wasn't alone when I wandered and stumbled out of my darkness. The Lord was there waiting. 


He's always been waiting on me, to finally wake up to the next chapter, the next big life change. But now when I hear the single cooing dove, I stop and think about how grateful I am for the Lord. It also makes me think of how I ought to be waiting on Him. I am content in His presence, His path, His joy and love. I just have to keep waking up and seeking Him and working on trusting Him for the fulfillment I could never find in others. He's always been my special someone.


In the special moments it's been He and I. Waking to the clouds was once dreary and burdensome, now it's He who I wake to greet, it's He who I wish sweet dreams too, the one I chuckle with about something humorous, the one I yell at when I'm frustrated, the one I tell my secrets too, whom I pour my heart out to on the piano He knows I hate but am grateful for...the whom I'm reminded of when the leaves of the trees quietly rustle, the one who silently sits by my side when I weep, the one who holds me when everything hurts and I've forgotten how to feel.


When the dove softly coos I know its not lamenting, but singing praises. Little love songs to its Creator. I too shall sing to my Creator. Because no matter how messed up of a human I am, how put together I seem etc. He's always there, loving me, waiting. It's my turn to wait, trust Him for all. He is sufficient and so much more. He's my someone<3